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So, what made me sad today?

As I was cleaning up, I found a double word square that I had quickly written for Wendy.

Yes, I'm a geek.
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A while back, I stopped hearing from Wendy at all, and I got a little worried about her. I emailed her asking what was going on, and she eventually responded. But at the end of her message was a paragraph that is confusing me, and I'd like to know what other people think, whether it's just me.
In other news, it's really difficult for me to have normal conversations with you . . . ) Right now I'm just really uncomfortable having contact with you, and I will remain so unless there is some real communication -- AND REAL FRIENDSHIP-BUILDING -- between us.
Communication problems have plagued this relationship for a while, so when these things come up, I start to doubt my on reflections. To me, this just seems like a catch-22. She doesn't want to have casual conversations unless we start FRIENDSHIP BUILDING, but I don't know how that's supposed to happen without casual conversation. "Oh hello, Wendy! Don't ask how I'm doing, I need to tell you about my innermost fears right away." I don't know how I can make this process any faster, and I certainly can't do it if she doesn't want to talk to me. I also don't know how I'm supposed to address her feelings on this. It's not like I'm not hurt and sad about this. I miss her, and I miss talking to her.

I'm just at a loss for this, and I'm not certain that there's anything I can do right now. Any help and perspective would be appreciated.
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These entries that involve Wendy are locked for two reasons. One is that there is at least one person on LJ who is obsessed with her and was able to cryptically deduce that I was seeing her. The other is that she doesn't want to hear about it on my journal (which she reads), and she has asked that I screen any such statements from her friends, many of whom I now read and now read me.

Anyway, I've had That Dog's Retreat from the Sun in my CD player for about a week, ever since [livejournal.com profile] pbmath mentioned it in a comment. Anyway, it's had a strong hold on me ever since, and I haven't been able to get it out of my stereo or my head. And it's not surprising, since the album's themes play upon my own current issues: infatuation, physical distance, miscommunication, emotional distance, and violins. It's also very upbeat and singable.

So, interested in getting inside my head? Here's some of what I'm thinking about, in lyric form:

Retreat from the Tablesaw )

And that, until further notice is my soundtrack.
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My last entry was written quickly, in a fury at LiveJournal for deleting my original post. I quite forgot that some of the information in the lost post was important. Like the fact that Wendy and I broke up last week.

I wrote all about the stuff leading up to it, but I don't feel like writing them again. I didn't feel like writing them in the first place, but knew that I had to do it anyway, to get it out of my head. Now, they're mostly out, and I don't want to repeat it all over again. But, in terms of the aftermath, Wendy's really depressed right now, was already, independent of the break-up. Like much of her depression, it's keyed into employment, or lack thereof. But now, she's also trying to deal with her first "amicable" break-up. One which doesn't leave one with the aid of deep loathing for the other person involved to get through things.

She woke up in tears, and cornered me on AIM asking why the relationship would be over if we're still fond of each other. Well, that's not prescisely true; she knew the reasons why. When we broke up, it was clear to us both that communication between us had a tendency to fall to pieces at a moments notice, so we were both mentally ready to go back to being friends, but now she's wracked with guilt that she may have screwed up something good.

I know we're still friends, but I don't really feel capable of being the main person in charge of helping her get over our relationship. I've got my own getting over of it to do. Beyond that, I'm also worried about her feeling depressed.

So, this is still very disjointed, but maybe that helps a little bit more.

Gone.

Aug. 5th, 2003 06:35 am
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I was writing about my relationship with Wendy, was 80% of the way through, and the window disappeared. I don't know what happened.

I'm pissed. There's an emotional load on me from the relationship that I can't shake. She's really depressed right now, and I can't deal with it. I want to be friends, but I need some away time. I can't deal with every little thing.

Why doesn't she believe me when I say that she's dangerously depressed and needs help? Why can't she seal with this for a second without me.

This and more is what I'm channeling into Puzzle Pirates. Also why I'm not cleaning my pigsty of a room. [livejournal.com profile] wjukknibs, want to go out for breakfast this week? Please?

Grf.

Jul. 19th, 2003 11:11 am
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A while back, I started dating a girl. Then I stopped talking about it. The reason I stopped talking about it is because my offhand mention of it on my journal caused to psychos to stalk my journal because they thought I was dating someone they were obsessed with. One actually had guessed correctly. So I was a bit skittish about that.

Things aren't going so well, and I don't know what it is I want to say about it. It's all tangled up in a lot of messy things, and I'm convinced that this relationship is not doing either of us any good.

Bleh. I'm just going to try for some sleep.
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The Dining Room as been extended for three more weeks. Rwth and I weren't looking forward to it all that much, but we pity the actors. So tonight, I go back, enter a brand new theater with no separate booth and a minuscule light board, and learn the cues from Rwth, who went to the Dress Rehearsal earlier this evening. Why do this, you might ask, when it costs me so much free time? I don't know.

But I can look forward to leaving town on Sunday to visit Wendy. Someday, perhaps, I will be able to convince her to move up to LA with my massive powers of persuasion. For now, though, I'm gonna get on a train and go visit her. I'm looking forward to it.

Before that, though, I have some jobs to squeeze in. I managed to launder my clothes yesterday, which is a big plus. I've got to drop by Costco to buy some bulk sodas for the April 5 puzzle party. I've got to get a slate of nonfrozen dinners for the next three days at work. I'd like to get some time on the The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, which arrived at my doorstep via FedEx yesterday. Oh yeah, and sleep.

Speaking of the puzzle party . . . )

ThuNYTX: 17:30. Stumped by some theme entries, but they were very educational, nonetheless.

Egg me on.

Mar. 25th, 2003 10:27 am
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I'm considering throwing an Easter/Egg Hunting/Game Playing party on Easter. Nothing particularly Catholic, I just feel like having a party, and that's as nice a Sunday as any. However, there are some problems. First, I don't know if I really have any sort of clue what I would be doing, other than something with hidden eggs and maybe clues to where they are. Second, Wendy has informed my that, being galaphobic (avoiding parties), would avoid any sort of party with lots of people. So there's an incentive to make that day a party of two.

But are other people out there interested in such a party? If I could throw together something nice, I may just do and try really hard to get Wendy up.

Cleaning.

Mar. 24th, 2003 12:02 pm
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I've been threatening to clean for weeks now, but haven't done so. A lot of that has been the show eating up lots of my time. Further, it greatly diminished the time I spend at home three days a week, making it easier to deal with the mess. But for the past few weekends, I've had something keeping me at the computer. And her name is Wendy.

(Well, actually, it's not. But come on! This is a public web journal, I'm not going to give your her real name!)

Wendy lives a bit far away, but thankfully not far enough that we can't meet with a modicum of planning. In fact, we did so last week. And it was very wonderful. Before that, though, we would chat for hours, getting the courage do meet for real. And so I'd end up frittering away my days instead of cleaning.

Well, Wendy has a job that prevents her from IMing at three in the morning, which means that I have time to clean. Which I did today. Started, at least. After some lazy time, I cleaned up my entire living room; I'm going to deal with my bedroom tonight. It was important to do so because tonight I'm going to be getting an actual sofa! Now I have two soft pieces of furniture on which to lounge!

I'm not sure when [livejournal.com profile] wjukknibs will be over, so I'd better get to bed early (which is to say, now). Good night.

Naming.

Mar. 19th, 2003 04:15 am
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I'm having a hard time writing about my date. Not because of time or anything like that, but because every time I think about it, I get a silly grin on my face and can't really write anything.

In the meantime, I'm trying to come up with a fancy nickname for She Whom I Am Dating. This is a very particular thing. I know it has to be cryptic enough not to refer to her directly, since she's very concerned about her privacy online. Also, it needs to be one that fits. It took a long time for Rwth to get her nickname, but it fits well. I want this girl to get one just as apt.

So far, the only thing I can come up with is "Gottschalks," which has a wonderful origin behind it but is an absolutely horrible name. Also apropos is "Elba", except that it sounds more like a heavy-set domestic servant. The reason I think of "Elba" is because she's a fan of palindromes. In fact, the book I mentioned earlier was a book of anagrams and palindromes. She liked it. Yeah, I'm a big dork, but I'm a dork with good taste!

Right now, though, she's blocked off from (nearly all) Internet access, so although I keep hoping to see an email from her, I know I won't. Such a thing is impossible for now.

Oh well, more as it develops.
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The reason I didn't listen to Bush's speech is that I was ending an absolutely amazing fantastic wonderful beautiful date. I haven't had a day this good in a very long time. That's not a comment about my recent life, but rather one about how incredible today was. I can't wait to see her again.

Life is very, very good.
tablesaw: -- (Default)
Um. I think I have a date on Monday.

Update: This just in from IM:
GirlOfAforementionedDate: OH MY GOD WHO DO YOU HAVE A DATE WITH?!?
[livejournal.com profile] tablesaw: Um.
[livejournal.com profile] tablesaw: You, I thought.
GOAD: :)
GOAD: i was only thrown for like a second.
GOAD: then i figured you were talking about me.
[livejournal.com profile] tablesaw: YES! THANK YOU FOR SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
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UserName: when i was 18 i was pen pals with this peculiar man who was i think 33
UserName: or maybe i'm getting him mixed up with jesus.
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[livejournal.com profile] fauxpas is official my dream girl for the year, making her fourth noteworthy appearance in my dreams. Last night, she and I were paired up with Jesus (no, not that Jesus; well, maybe that Jesus, we weren't sure) and trying to discover the source of some mysterious mystery. After searching through the many mansions on the street for clues, we had found only questions, dead bodies and missing people. Finally, at the penultimate house, we managed to get some information. There was a man there, going insane and wasting away in the attic who was willing to give us some cryptic information. It all seemed to do with a tattoo he had. Or didn't have anymore.

See, there was a "cult" of some sort that was using power from the ancient gods to take control of the area. But something had gone wrong, and it seemed to be this guys fault. The power was supposed to be imprinted in massive complex tattoos, but he had altered the needle to make the process go faster. The result was that the tattoo had imploded on itself, and threatened to pull in the rest of the man's skin into whichever strange place it had gone.

Armed with this new knowledge, [livejournal.com profile] fauxpas, Jesus and I set out for the last house, a mansion filled with danger that would take us a long time to search. And I woke up to watch The Sound of Music.
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Many people have been doing it, and I think it's an interesting thing to do. Here's a listing of the gifts I received, and the gifts I gave thus far. (Subject to inaccuracies; I'm at work and not at my tree right now.)

To me:
From Mom: Three pairs of pants.
From Dad: Monty Python's Flying Circus DVD Pack.
From Mom and Dad: A set of pots and pans.
From Sister: Monty Python and the Holy Grail poster and a multi-function clock.
From Paternal Grandmother: Book of the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels and cash.
From Paternal Grandmother (with major coaching from Aunt): Discman, CD jacket and gift certificate to Sam Goody
From a different Aunt: Wallet and Tin with Clock.
From Godfather: Two volumes of Rising Stars.
From Maternal Grandparents: Gift certificate to Borders.
From Maternal Grandparents via "White Elephant Gift-Giving: Bi-Polar.
From Confirmation Sponsor: Some books, including a New Jerusalem Bible.
From [livejournal.com profile] wjukknibs: They Might Be Giants, No!; Metroid Prime promo DVD; and Powerpuff Girls Movie DVD.
From K: Mensa cards and M.C. Escher sliding puzzle.
From Ex: A Problem Like Maria: Gender and Sexuality in the American Musical
From Landlords: See's chocolates.

I think that's it for now.

From me:
To Mom: Original art by independent artist and an episode of Once and Again.
To Dad: DVD of The Man Who Would Be King and three episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
To Sister: and Independence Day action figure
To Paternal Grandmother: A miniature topiary of dried flowers.
To Godfather: Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol on DVD.
To Maternal Grandparents: Till Then: The Music that Helped the Allies Win the War
To Confirmation Sponsor: Stationery and butterfly rubber stamp.
To Sister of [livejournal.com profile] wjukknibs: Fun & Games: Things to Make and Do.
To Another Sister of [livejournal.com profile] wjukknibs: Powerpuff Girls calendar.
To Yet Another Sister of [livejournal.com profile] wjukknibs: Edward Gorey Calendar.
To Brother of [livejournal.com profile] wjukknibs: A Storm of Swords.
To [livejournal.com profile] wjukknibs: Trip to Vegas (date to be determined)
To K: Gift certificate to Gamestop.
To [livejournal.com profile] fauxpas: We Got the Neutron Bomb : The Untold Story of L.A. Punk.
To [livejournal.com profile] luxnightmare: The Rose and the Beast: Fairy Tales Retold.
To Ex: A Problem Like Maria: Gender and Sexuality in the American Musical
To Landlords: Upwords.
To Childhood Friend and his Father: Shell Shock!, an out-of-print board game.

Along with a few that haven't been given out yet. It's almost time to go home (thank God), and I'll see if I missed anything. It was a good Christmas. I got several things I will be able to make great use out of and am proud of most everything I found to give. Nothing left to do but wait for my birthday. (Thirteen more days!)

FriNYTX: 25:30. 54A? I am totally lost.
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Not really, but it suddenly feels like it.

[livejournal.com profile] fauxpas's journal is suddenly listed as deleted. This is bad and sad, and it makes me mad. Especially since she showed up in my dreams again last night! One would expect I'd know what her face looked like by now. Hopefully, she'll be back. Otherwise, it will be a great loss of an island of eloquence amid the sea of crapulence that is LiveJournal.
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Dear Anna,

The next time you ask yourself dejectedly "Who would ever want to read what I write?" please pick up a copy of Depth Takes a Holiday or A Year in Van Nuys, or listen, as I did today by chance, to Act III of "First Day" of This American Life entitled "Bad Sex with Bud Kemp," all by bona-fide writer-person Sandra Tsing Loh, who was my literary crush for quite a while and who should remind you that bittersweet, painfully humorous (and/or humorously painful) writing is always welcome when skillfully done.

Sincerely,
[livejournal.com profile] tablesaw
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I slept in late yesterday, and thusly missed Survivor. I did have a very intriguing dream, however, so I count it no great loss. (Because missing Survivor is normally such a great loss...)

A dream )

---

I conquered another realm of bachelorhood today, locating and successfully using the local coin-operated laundromat. Hooray for clean underpants. I'm probably going to make Monday or Tuesday mornings my regular time, since it will get me in early enough to have lots and lots of machines.

---

The reason I've entered myself into NaNoWriMo is that I have had the germ of an idea for a novel for a while now, but didn't really have anything to do with it. I'd rather not discuss it too much yet, except to say that this idea came to my while in the bathroom, for no apparent reason. I'm not a person who does much thinking in the bathroom, but there you are. Or there I was. Or there I went. Whatever.

Anyway, now the wheels are kicking up on it again, though, of course, I'm not writing any text down yet. The working title, Compact Photo is horribly off-base, but it does incorporate the two most important items of the original image. More in November.

---

My journal is starting to get filled up with notes for my Muses puzzle. You can't see them, but they're there all the same. I've been making more good progress, and am close to having one of my more thorny puzzles worked out. I still have to buckle down and write that flat, though.
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So, I think I need to find one or more people to go with me to El Vez's Quincenera show. It's an anniversary of the beginning of his career, a tribute to the death of Elvis and the coming of age of Alicia Luther all rolled into one. Kickass.

NPL update.

Aug. 4th, 2002 06:38 am
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The new issue of The Enigma came out the other day. My showing amounts to a rebus, a word deletion, a phonetic word deletion written in collaboration with [livejournal.com profile] tahnan (he supplied the answer, I supplied the verse) and two anaquotes (not to be confused with Anna quotes). One of those anaquotes is very old, so old that I had figured that it had been dismissed. If I'd realized it was going to make an appearance, I'd have offered to rework it. C'est la vie.

More Puzzle Stuff )

SunNYTX: 25. Flubbed the cross of 97D&102A. Also, the theme was pretty weak. SunLATX: 21:30. Worst limerick evar.

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