Really wonderful to read this, Tablesaw. I too have been undergoing some wrestling with my inner tapeworm, ok eww, which beastie provides some of the motivation for my being back in school. I'm staying, btw, but will be much less insane about getting work done hereafter. More life, less hoop-jumping.

I also realized that my drive for achievement has something to do with the relationship I have with my parents (and further, as a focus away from relationship difficulties they have with each other). In other words, the honors are a partial substitute for a healthier kind of love in my family, all round.

Will I ever be free of the worm? Probably not entirely. I love creating, for a number of reasons, and will probably continue to create with at least some pathological overdrive. But not as much as before.

As for your own quandary, I think the previous post about creating happiness was spot on. I'm reminded of the Confucian/Buddhist concept of working beauty outwards from the self. If you feel you've done enough work on yourself for now, by all means focus on sharing the warmth. As I remarked recently to a friend of mine, "As young and quick as Tablesaw is, he's remarkably social and kind." It took me many more years to come around to that state.

PS. I try to avoid policemen. They often think they're in a movie.