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It's Official.
I'm depressed.
I have been for a while, and I haven't acknowledged it.
I finally realized it a few days ago, when I was feeling bad, and I thought, "I haven't felt this behind the eight ball since college." Then it occurred to me that college was the .
While there have been a lot of various stressors, none of them have really been important. That is, there's been nothing coming up against me that I actually couldn't do if I set down to do it. I just couldn't get started on it, and I let days and weeks slip by me as I tried to hide myself.
I think the biggest problem was that I stopped my "medication." When my therapist took me off Prozac and sent me on my way, his last prescription was to keep getting daily exercise. And I was reasonably good about that for a while. But a few weeks ago, my schedule got disrupted, and I got tired, and I just started letting it slide. I can't do that any more.
My gut instinct is to try to work my way back up myself and hope that nobody noticed. But I've gone down that route before, and it is a route of stupid. I mean, I do want to try to work myself back up to normal on my own, going back to exercising and buckling down. But I know from experience that I while I need to do the work myself, I also need people to keep a lazy eye on my to keep me on track.
And depression is always tied to shame for me, so I figured that getting this stuff out in the open all at once would be better than keeping secrets.
This weekend has been an example. I was paralyzed for a while, unable to do the work I needed to do. Then I forced myself to start working, and it was painful. And then I started getting good headway. Then I started feeling good again. So I'm taking advantage of this moment to get things started on the journal again.
Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled Christmas season.
I have been for a while, and I haven't acknowledged it.
I finally realized it a few days ago, when I was feeling bad, and I thought, "I haven't felt this behind the eight ball since college." Then it occurred to me that college was the .
While there have been a lot of various stressors, none of them have really been important. That is, there's been nothing coming up against me that I actually couldn't do if I set down to do it. I just couldn't get started on it, and I let days and weeks slip by me as I tried to hide myself.
I think the biggest problem was that I stopped my "medication." When my therapist took me off Prozac and sent me on my way, his last prescription was to keep getting daily exercise. And I was reasonably good about that for a while. But a few weeks ago, my schedule got disrupted, and I got tired, and I just started letting it slide. I can't do that any more.
My gut instinct is to try to work my way back up myself and hope that nobody noticed. But I've gone down that route before, and it is a route of stupid. I mean, I do want to try to work myself back up to normal on my own, going back to exercising and buckling down. But I know from experience that I while I need to do the work myself, I also need people to keep a lazy eye on my to keep me on track.
And depression is always tied to shame for me, so I figured that getting this stuff out in the open all at once would be better than keeping secrets.
This weekend has been an example. I was paralyzed for a while, unable to do the work I needed to do. Then I forced myself to start working, and it was painful. And then I started getting good headway. Then I started feeling good again. So I'm taking advantage of this moment to get things started on the journal again.
Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled Christmas season.