tablesaw | I Need More Eyes.

A while back, I stopped hearing from Wendy at all, and I got a little worried about her. I emailed her asking what was going on, and she eventually responded. But at the end of her message was a paragraph that is confusing me, and I'd like to know what other people think, whether it's just me.

In other news, it's really difficult for me to have normal conversations with you, and I've been staying away for this reason. Breaking up did not magically erase all the frustration and anger I felt toward you. In fact, the reason I wanted to break up was because I didn't feel like we were developing an underlying friendship, and that's what was causing the frustration and anger in the first place. So obviously those issues still have bad implications for any friendship you may be trying to maintain. So it makes things that much worse for me when you act like everything's all normal, because I feel like my feelings aren't being acknowledged. I have thousands of words to say to you, but I am not motivated to string them together when experience has shown that they won't penetrate the walls you've built around yourself anyway. So things are just getting bottled up, and they are festering. Furthermore, I have no desire to insult you or hurt your feelings, and you've shared so little of yourself with me that I find it impossible to gauge which words will and which words will not hurt you. I don't even know HOW to say what I need to say. So I feel things with us are at a standstill. I feel like you are not equipped to deal with confrontation, but I don't have the ability to sweep things under the carpet and pretend like everything is peachy. Right now I'm just really uncomfortable having contact with you, and I will remain so unless there is some real communication -- AND REAL FRIENDSHIP-BUILDING -- between us.

Communication problems have plagued this relationship for a while, so when these things come up, I start to doubt my on reflections. To me, this just seems like a catch-22. She doesn't want to have casual conversations unless we start FRIENDSHIP BUILDING, but I don't know how that's supposed to happen without casual conversation. "Oh hello, Wendy! Don't ask how I'm doing, I need to tell you about my innermost fears right away." I don't know how I can make this process any faster, and I certainly can't do it if she doesn't want to talk to me. I also don't know how I'm supposed to address her feelings on this. It's not like I'm not hurt and sad about this. I miss her, and I miss talking to her.

I'm just at a loss for this, and I'm not certain that there's anything I can do right now. Any help and perspective would be appreciated.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hmm. Sounds like there's a lot she wants to say, but isn't sure how to do it. So, if you really care to maintain the friendship, it might be worth finding a quiet place where you can be alone and talk for a few hours. Invite her to say anything, without worrying about tactful phrasing or hurting your feelings. And just listen, with no defensiveness.

Which is a really hard thing to do, especially if she's not all that pieced-together mentally. If you guys are going to work through whatever these issues are, you might have to be the stronger and more resilient one and worker harder than she does at communicating. Which isn't fair, but relationships of any sort rarely are.

Then again, it's also fair game to decide that a friendship can't be saved with an ex. Sometimes it's just too painful, for one or both, to stay in communication, and there's nothing at all wrong with that.

I agree with Stacey and she phrased it really well. It's going to be hard, getting to know each other afterthefact, but possible if you're willing to be strong and take both the good and the bad.

We're here if you need us, as always. Come talk/vent anytime.

Well, I have to say that kiz and ddyte's pictures and stories about Alaska certainly make the trip seem appealing. It'll have to wait a while, though.

I Need More Eyes.

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