Bait and Stupid

[tablesaw]

<injoke sphere="IRL">LJ Powers Activate!</injoke>

Today, I got up early to see The Forbidden Kingdom. I was expecting this:


What we got instead was this:


Turns out, the movie isn't a Chinese epic where superstars Jet Li and Jackie Chan team up to save the world. It's about an idiot from South Boston who's totally into kung fu and who gets transported to an "otherworldly" place, where several centuries of political and philosophical struggle exists to teach him kung fu.

My favorite moment: At one point, early in the process of learning martial arts, the Idiotic Southie is being made to strike at grass with a bamboo stick. "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME KUNG FU!?" he whines.

Because in all of the hundreds of kung fu movies he claims to have seen, he has apparently never watched The Karate Kid.

When it was about Jackie Chan and Jet Li teaming up to save the world, it was a pretty good movie. And when it was about Jackie Chan and Jet Li teaming up to beat the crap out of Michael Angarano, it was also a good movie. Otherwise, not so much.

Comments

[la-sonnambula.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! Spot on. That kid, when he's not watching kung fu, he's watching LOTR. The baddie's place is practically Mordor with Chinese roofs. It just occured to me that the place with the gate where the Jade Emperor and Queen Mother hang out looks a lot like Lothlórien.

I love the Bride with the White Hair though. Sure she can be seen as a man-hater complete with phallic appurtenances (arrow and whip), but I still think she's hella cool. And certainly no one would dare to ask to touch her boobs (even though her cleavage is "on display").

[tablesaw]

Also, that one weird moment where Jet Li is Gandalf for no reason.

[thefreak.livejournal.com]

White "Hair" you mean...it was like a bad wig from Target.

[la-sonnambula.livejournal.com]

Yeah, her hair is v. budget cosplay, but her awesomeness more than makes up for it.

[thefreak.livejournal.com]

She was the Kung-Fu Mary Sue.

"I hate men, blahblahblah!" Whip! Swoosh hair! Fail!

Then Jackie Chan shows up and roundly schools her...to deeeath. I was surprised she didn't just shout, "Men suuuuck!" as she fell. Ten bucks says she had one crush in middle school who dumped her and she never got over it.

[la-sonnambula.livejournal.com]

In that case every kung fu character ever is a Mary Sue. The original character of the Bride was conceived by a male author, and I wouldn't psychoanalyse his motives as stemming from a guilty fear of women. Wuxia novels always have powerful women, and sometimes those powerful women have failed romances. The Bride with White Hair just happens to be "bad".

Ten bucks says she had one crush in middle school who dumped her and she never got over it.

Not so much dumped as being accused of a massacre before being attacked by her lover's clan.

In a movie populated by paper-thin cliches it's inevitable that her character is reduced to a caricature of a man-hater (apparently scenes that would have given more depth to her character were cut), but even as a caricature she's still kick-ass. Well, I'll take her and her white hair over Jackie Chan and his "did it on a dare while on vacay in Jamaica" braids anyday.

[thefreak.livejournal.com]

So she was a nod to another movie...and apparently had a backstory that made her more than a caricature. That makes it even sadder, as she might have been a cool character.

But based on what I saw on screen, not so much. More of an annoyance, really.

[tanyahp.livejournal.com]

Lol - I guess it's Baby Mama for me tonight then ::runs back to her Blind Swordsman series::

[radiotelescope.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed parts of this movie. I liked that it incorporated a lot of Chinese folklore and mythology.

I have no idea why they thought it would be a better movie with a white boy in it. But at least they made him as passive and nonexistent a personality as they could manage, so as not to get in the way.

But, but... dude!

[theotherbaldwin.livejournal.com]

Jackie Chan

versus

Jet Li.

oh hell yes

Heh. True that.

[theotherbaldwin.livejournal.com]

"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME KUNG FU!?" he whines.

Because in all of the hundreds of kung fu movies he claims to have seen, he has apparently never watched The Karate Kid.

That struck me, too (HURR HURR), but I loved the response:

Drunken Immortal: Okay, fine. I'll teach you some gongfu. *walks up to the whiny, then SMACKS him* That's called a "strike". Tomorrow, I'll teach you "block".

The one part I really didn't need to see? Let Li peeing on Jackie Chan. Thank gods it was a 5 second throwaway joke.

[velveteencat.livejournal.com]

This was the first movie I've walked out on in years.