Give Me No Reason

I've always had a hard time contacting people for no reason. Even when I had a reason—when my reason was just, "Hey, I wanted to hear your voice and talk to you about whatever came up"—I tend to get paralysis. I don't have this problem in public spaces, like commenting on blogs and journals, but the same fears about calling someone transfer to e-mailing or IMing them.

What's sometimes worse is that, when I realize I've let communication drop, I feel so guilty for not communicating that I don't want to communicate further. That's what we call a vicious circle stupid.

For some reason, I've been feeling isolated at work recently. Sometimes I go to my Gmail/AIM client and look for people to talk to. They're usually asleep during the times when work stretches out in front of me (because that time is about 2 a.m. PDT), but sometimes, even when people are online, I don't feel comfortable making even casual contact.

I've been holding back on making this post because of that latter issue. I can't ask people if it's okay to e-mail or IM them and then go off on vacation where I'm probably not going to e-mail or IM anybody! When I come back, I'll be guilty about not having taken them up on their generous offer! But since I need to get used to the fact that that kind of thinking is stupid, I'm going to do it anyway.

Blogging about it like this is blowing it up a little. It's a little needy, yes; I do feel like I need something, and it's something little, a slight nudge to help me over a speedbump in my brain. I know that, for many of you, I probably already have this permission, under various social contracts. Humor me, please, because it's something I haven't really incorporated into myself. Just give me a little note that I can look to when I feel this stupid doubt and say, "I'm being silly, and here is testimonial evidence of my silliness."

How about it, can I talk to you? You know, eventually?