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Calling to Say I Won't Call.
Oct. 28th, 2003 11:23 amWell, I haven't been writing much in this journal. Rather than feel guilty about it, I'm going to let you all know that I'm not writing in this journal right now. I'm reading yours, and I'll be writing again soon, but for now, no journaling. That's just the way it is. I don't think it will last longer than a week or so.
Until then, here's a list of things I may write about, when I write about things:
Have fun, guys.
Until then, here's a list of things I may write about, when I write about things:
- Enter the Matrix
- Fire
- Strike
- Vacation
- Petty Work Squabbles
- The Midnight Ocean
- Garlic Bread
Have fun, guys.
I've been trying to write a letter to Ex, but it's not happening. Well, something's happening, but it's not the letter I'm supposed to write. Ex got married last week, and I have yet to say anything about it. The problem is that every time I set down something, I start pouring out my own issues, which isn't the point. And trying to cut all of that out leaves me with something so stiff and impersonal that it's almost and insult. Not what I want to say at all.
(For those just joining us, here's some background for my relationship with Ex and my relationship with Ex after my relationship with Ex: 3/17/2002, 6/22/2002, 9/19/2002 and possibly some other entries I can't find.)
Ex and I became close friends in Washington, D.C, where we attended one year of college together. At the end of that year, we both moved to different colleges, but we kept in close contact, thanks largely to her weekend job as a secretary at a business with a liberal toll-free-phone-line policy. Eventually, on a visit to LA, we started dating, and tried to continue it long-distance off and on for a while.
Breaking up with Ex is directly tied in to my ultimate crash at the end of a very long slide into the depths of depression. I can clearly trace back my depression to my Sophomore year in high school, but I'd always managed, generally, to keep things more or less balanced. Leaving school cut me loose in many ways, and I just got very, very bad. Depression severely warped my perception of reality in the months after I graduated from college, and I alienated my friends and family until I was pinning a lot of my life on my relationship with Ex. That relationship was falling apart because, well, I was falling apart; but I couldn't see/accept it. Eventually, on a long-before-scheduled trip to her home town where she finally, actually, firmly broke up with me, I had a complete breakdown.
Since then, I've been able to put my mind back together to a certain extent, though it's still a journey. Anyway, I need to get back to Ex.
At the end of our "relationship," Ex started seeing someone, whom we will call Xi (because I like saying "Ksaie!"). Considering what I've told you above, and even guessing at my mental state at the time, you can imagine that my view of Xi wasn't very pretty, or very accurate. A lot of my residual rage from that time is directed at him.
If you've looked at my "research" posts, you'll know that Ex and I have been in touch with each other for about a year now, through web journals. I guess this may be a new and interesting use of the Internet, but it's been good for me. I've gotten used to Ex being in my thoughts in new situations, ones that don't involve me being a ranting madman. But with this wedding, I realize that I haven't quite gotten closure on that time in my life. I've moved on, but there's still a little bit open.
I feel like I need to see her again, to solidify the communication we've had since the break up, to know that it's real, to have something slightly more like what we had before things got strange, back when we were friends who could talk for hours about art, philosophy, anime, and anything else.
Also, I need to meet Xi again. No, not again. I don't really think that first time counted. I think I'm better off assuming that I never met Xi and that what I remember from meeting him was just an elaborate imagining from my brain which bears no resemblance to reality. Ex really only talks about Xi tangentially in her journal, so that doesn't really give me a whole lot to go on. I feel like I need some reality to counteract the nightmare of three years ago, so that I can actually see why my friend is marrying him.
Wow. Three years. It's been a long time. I haven't really caught up with that part of my life. It feels more like a year ago. So much wasted space.
I'm still iffy on the letter, so here it is. Any and all suggestions are appreciated before I send this out: ( Read more... )
(For those just joining us, here's some background for my relationship with Ex and my relationship with Ex after my relationship with Ex: 3/17/2002, 6/22/2002, 9/19/2002 and possibly some other entries I can't find.)
Ex and I became close friends in Washington, D.C, where we attended one year of college together. At the end of that year, we both moved to different colleges, but we kept in close contact, thanks largely to her weekend job as a secretary at a business with a liberal toll-free-phone-line policy. Eventually, on a visit to LA, we started dating, and tried to continue it long-distance off and on for a while.
Breaking up with Ex is directly tied in to my ultimate crash at the end of a very long slide into the depths of depression. I can clearly trace back my depression to my Sophomore year in high school, but I'd always managed, generally, to keep things more or less balanced. Leaving school cut me loose in many ways, and I just got very, very bad. Depression severely warped my perception of reality in the months after I graduated from college, and I alienated my friends and family until I was pinning a lot of my life on my relationship with Ex. That relationship was falling apart because, well, I was falling apart; but I couldn't see/accept it. Eventually, on a long-before-scheduled trip to her home town where she finally, actually, firmly broke up with me, I had a complete breakdown.
Since then, I've been able to put my mind back together to a certain extent, though it's still a journey. Anyway, I need to get back to Ex.
At the end of our "relationship," Ex started seeing someone, whom we will call Xi (because I like saying "Ksaie!"). Considering what I've told you above, and even guessing at my mental state at the time, you can imagine that my view of Xi wasn't very pretty, or very accurate. A lot of my residual rage from that time is directed at him.
If you've looked at my "research" posts, you'll know that Ex and I have been in touch with each other for about a year now, through web journals. I guess this may be a new and interesting use of the Internet, but it's been good for me. I've gotten used to Ex being in my thoughts in new situations, ones that don't involve me being a ranting madman. But with this wedding, I realize that I haven't quite gotten closure on that time in my life. I've moved on, but there's still a little bit open.
I feel like I need to see her again, to solidify the communication we've had since the break up, to know that it's real, to have something slightly more like what we had before things got strange, back when we were friends who could talk for hours about art, philosophy, anime, and anything else.
Also, I need to meet Xi again. No, not again. I don't really think that first time counted. I think I'm better off assuming that I never met Xi and that what I remember from meeting him was just an elaborate imagining from my brain which bears no resemblance to reality. Ex really only talks about Xi tangentially in her journal, so that doesn't really give me a whole lot to go on. I feel like I need some reality to counteract the nightmare of three years ago, so that I can actually see why my friend is marrying him.
Wow. Three years. It's been a long time. I haven't really caught up with that part of my life. It feels more like a year ago. So much wasted space.
I'm still iffy on the letter, so here it is. Any and all suggestions are appreciated before I send this out: ( Read more... )
I'm in a posting slump. Not for lack of things to write about. Just for lack of time and inclination. There've been exciting things, and I still have some questions I need to finish up; I haven't forgotten them. Mostly, I've been doing a lot of reading and watching of brand new TV shows. How slothly decadent of me.
In the meanwhile, I post the results of a purity test which was rather fun. If things keep going like this, though, my Original Content raitng is bound to slip.
The server's pretty hard hit, so it takes a while to load. It may be best to try this later. Also, I think that the server issues screwed up the "Obsession Number."
In the meanwhile, I post the results of a purity test which was rather fun. If things keep going like this, though, my Original Content raitng is bound to slip.
| The Ultimate LiveJournal Obsession Test | ||
| Category | Your Score | Average LJer |
| Community Attachment | 25.81% You've got pals to cheer you up when you're down, but no audience to applaud you... Yet. | 26.98% |
| MemeSheepage | 24.56% Only trendy when it's sufficiently entertaining | 31.28% |
| Original Content | 62.9% Using LiveJournal to express a few strong opinions | 42.1% |
| Psychodrama Quotient | 13.25% Had a comment taken out of context once or twice | 17% |
| Attention Whoring | 22.73% You do a little dance whenever someone friends you | 22.84% |
| Your LiveJournal Obsession Number is: 11111 Click it to see other users who had similar scores to yours! | ||
The server's pretty hard hit, so it takes a while to load. It may be best to try this later. Also, I think that the server issues screwed up the "Obsession Number."
Try to Remember.
Jul. 26th, 2003 08:57 amThe other day, I had a sudden overwhelming urge to read "Judas Danced" by Brian Aldiss. I knew which book it was in, SF: Authors' Choice. After my fever for this chaotic tale was abated, I noticed something odd. Scribbled on the inside of the paperback cover, I found the following, in pencil and in my hand:
SatNYTX: 13:45. Very fast, but there was one crossing of words I didn't know.
(LJ note: The update page doesn't seem to allow me to select a userpic right now. Hope that gets fixed.) (Update: It's back.)
Don't do what I did . . .I haven't a clue what it means or why it's there. I don't even know if the words are mine or if I heard someone else say them. All I know is that it was when I had this book out, which was during the last two years of college? It's very likely that I copied this down during my "Race, Gender and Performance" class with Catherine Cole [Archive link, 10/26/10], since I used another story in the book, "Day Million" [dead link changed, 10/26/10] by Frederik Pohl as the source for my final project in that class. Does anyone recognize this fragment at all?
You keep saying,
It's OK, I can live with that
It's OK, I can live with that
Then you go: "It's too much
I can't live with any of it
You have to change everything."
SatNYTX: 13:45. Very fast, but there was one crossing of words I didn't know.
It's the wave of the future.
Jul. 22nd, 2003 08:43 amThe new "Component" layout is the hottest thing on LiveJournal since the new style settings came out, and it's the only one I've seen that does what I want it to. If you're reading from your friends page, take a look at my main page and marvel at the difference [style is no longer the same].
Other notes.
Jul. 2nd, 2003 06:51 amThis countdown [dead link, was a countdown to the 2003 NPL convention, 10/26/10] is scaring me. I need to start preparing.
Anybody know what's going on with the spellcheck? It doesn't recognize contractions or basic HTML anymore.
Anybody know what's going on with the spellcheck? It doesn't recognize contractions or basic HTML anymore.
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
wjukknibs has begun updating his journal again, partly, I believe, to shame me into regular updates again. Well, it's working. My brain is frazzled by the heat and the subsequent lack of sleep it has brought to The Valley, but really my excuses are running thin.There was a time when I would post about nothing. And, you know what, I liked those posts. Recently, though, when mindless boredom has hit, rather than encase it in the amber that is this blog, I've just, you know, ridden it out.
I dunno if this is gonna change all that much. I do still have a partially-written thingum about The Matrices. And I've got lots of stuff that I want to get down, too. Busy-ness at business hasn't helped much at all.
But I'm thinking that I'll commit myself to something. And since
emshort was just whinging about a lack of IF reviews, I'm going to commit to five in the next month or so, starting this weekend. By committing to them, it means that I am likely going to be writing them without finishing the game. Too bad.Sigh. I didn't even get to do today's crossword puzzle.
The momma dramas and the ancient traumas.
Apr. 23rd, 2003 06:46 amA while back, a friend of mine abandoned her LJ blog for a MovableType blog on her own site. As she relocated, she said that she was "not particularly enamored of the social dynamic potentially (!) created by LiveJournal." I only abstractly agreed with her, then. I fully agree with her now.
There are 470335 active users on LiveJournal. I don't read 470260 of them. It's nice to have perspective.
There are 470335 active users on LiveJournal. I don't read 470260 of them. It's nice to have perspective.
Things to do.
Apr. 11th, 2003 05:04 amGo to friend's birthday party.
Finish taxes.
Clean the house well.
Write a game for the sequel to SpeedIF Jacket.
Finish Egg hunt puzzles.
Get a sofa(?)
Write up lots of experiences for LJ.
Thank God the play is ending on Saturday.
It's almost over.
Apr. 9th, 2003 03:15 amI can feel it. The ability to relax returning. Three more shows this week, and then I'm back to being able to sleep in 43% of the week. I can feel it coming. It will be good.
In the meanwhile, I've got to do some laundry and try to see the Cowboy Bebop movie at the Nuart, before it disappears (which it will likely do on Thursday; it's only playing at the local art house). I'm not going to worry to much about the latter, though. I don't need to sacrifice my sleep again.
Speaking of sleep, a week of catching only twenty winks, culminating in a day that lasted almost thirty-six hours, led me to sleep for about nineteen hours on Sunday. Yeah. That's a lot. I really don't want to do that again.
What I do want to do is get my Easter Party organized. I need to send out invites, etc., and figure out what to do for the Egg Hunt.
And I'd like to journal some more too. Wouldn't that be nice?
In the meanwhile, I've got to do some laundry and try to see the Cowboy Bebop movie at the Nuart, before it disappears (which it will likely do on Thursday; it's only playing at the local art house). I'm not going to worry to much about the latter, though. I don't need to sacrifice my sleep again.
Speaking of sleep, a week of catching only twenty winks, culminating in a day that lasted almost thirty-six hours, led me to sleep for about nineteen hours on Sunday. Yeah. That's a lot. I really don't want to do that again.
What I do want to do is get my Easter Party organized. I need to send out invites, etc., and figure out what to do for the Egg Hunt.
And I'd like to journal some more too. Wouldn't that be nice?
Welcome NPL surfers!
Mar. 22nd, 2003 11:14 pmThis is my my open journal in which I post thoughts and recount events in my life.
If you're here right now, it's probably because you've seen the note in the most recent Enigma about my gradual detailed recounting of the MIT Mystery Hunt. Parts One and Two (comprising slightly less than one day of Hunting time) can be found in the following two entries:
Part One
Part Two
More will be coming eventually, once I get some more time to write them down. While we're at it, I'll mention that I've similarly written up some of the Los Angeles NPL minicons:
March 30, 2002
September 21, 2002: Parts One & Two
November 16, 2002
In general, these and other puzzle-related posts can be found in on my Puzzle Memories page, and previous entries that relate to my life and journal in various ways can be found on the Memories page.
Moreover, Krewe with journals on this site have started another commuity blog at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
npl.
I hope this helps, and I hope you enjoy my journal.
[A note to regular readers, I'm going to leave this at the top of my journal for a while, but new entries should still appear beneath this one for the next week or so.]
If you're here right now, it's probably because you've seen the note in the most recent Enigma about my gradual detailed recounting of the MIT Mystery Hunt. Parts One and Two (comprising slightly less than one day of Hunting time) can be found in the following two entries:
Part One
Part Two
More will be coming eventually, once I get some more time to write them down. While we're at it, I'll mention that I've similarly written up some of the Los Angeles NPL minicons:
March 30, 2002
September 21, 2002: Parts One & Two
November 16, 2002
In general, these and other puzzle-related posts can be found in on my Puzzle Memories page, and previous entries that relate to my life and journal in various ways can be found on the Memories page.
Moreover, Krewe with journals on this site have started another commuity blog at
npl.I hope this helps, and I hope you enjoy my journal.
[A note to regular readers, I'm going to leave this at the top of my journal for a while, but new entries should still appear beneath this one for the next week or so.]
Happy Anniversary to Me!
Mar. 12th, 2003 12:38 pmIn all of the business around, I didn't realize that my one-year LJ Anniversary just passed. I created the journal on the 10th, but I didn't put in my first post until just after midnight, a year ago yesterday. There were three posts that day, about how I couldn't get to sleep. Why not take a stroll down memory lane? As for me, I've got to get to bed myself lest history repeat itself.
Very short posts.
Mar. 12th, 2003 11:35 amI wouldn't say I've been posting reticently, recently, but I have been writing less and less. Things are very busy this month, and I often don't find myself with the time to focus my thoughts finely enough to write a neat little post. So I'm just going to keep going like I am until I can do otherwise. Which will be soon, I imagine. I've found my webjournal to go in phases like this. Right now my focus is elsewhere, but this journal is a good center for me, and I'll find my way back soon enough.
Complexities.
Feb. 21st, 2003 03:31 amLiveJournal seems to be doing better today. Hooray.
Unfortunately, work has returned with a vengeance. There is no hope of finishing everything before the third shift ends, so I hope that the day shift is ready for a workout.
I met with Rwth on my way to work and we talked about schedules and preparing for The Dining Room. Neither of us really has any idea what's going on. I only today learned where the theater was when I talked with my mother, who had a copy of the flyer. I don't have a flyer. (P.S. It's The Complex.)
I'm feeling tired, so I'm going to hit the sack once I get home. My plan is that this early bedtime will either (a) wake me up in time to catch some partying at Cramerica's or (b) catch me up on needed sleep. I will be pleased with either outcome.
FriNYTX: 14.
Unfortunately, work has returned with a vengeance. There is no hope of finishing everything before the third shift ends, so I hope that the day shift is ready for a workout.
I met with Rwth on my way to work and we talked about schedules and preparing for The Dining Room. Neither of us really has any idea what's going on. I only today learned where the theater was when I talked with my mother, who had a copy of the flyer. I don't have a flyer. (P.S. It's The Complex.)
I'm feeling tired, so I'm going to hit the sack once I get home. My plan is that this early bedtime will either (a) wake me up in time to catch some partying at Cramerica's or (b) catch me up on needed sleep. I will be pleased with either outcome.
FriNYTX: 14.
Mostly dead is partly a livejournal.
Feb. 5th, 2003 06:24 amAs faithful readers may have noticed, I've not been in much of a mood to update my journal these past two weeks. I'm still, slowly, collecting a narrative of my vacation, but otherwise, I just haven't been sitting down to write for myself or for you. It happens occasionally. Not much has been going on, really, but there have been a few thinks I'd like to get off of my head.
Briefly though:
On Friday, I got visited bycruciverbalist, senescence, megustamayer, epli_og_bananar, dinosaur_act, and a related non-LJ person. That was a lot of fun.
On Sunday, I was the Lector at Mass and had dinner/breakfast with my father. This was also fun.
On Monday,wjukknibs and K stopped by, and we played Scattergories. This was also much fun.
But overall, I'm still in a pensive mood.
Puzzle Party on Saturday. Buying plane tickets to Vegas today ($40 round trip!). And I'll be back before you know it.
Briefly though:
On Friday, I got visited by
cruciverbalist, senescence, megustamayer, epli_og_bananar, dinosaur_act, and a related non-LJ person. That was a lot of fun.On Sunday, I was the Lector at Mass and had dinner/breakfast with my father. This was also fun.
On Monday,
wjukknibs and K stopped by, and we played Scattergories. This was also much fun.But overall, I'm still in a pensive mood.
Puzzle Party on Saturday. Buying plane tickets to Vegas today ($40 round trip!). And I'll be back before you know it.
It's only a community.
Jan. 31st, 2003 07:53 amAt the offhand suggestion of tahnan, I created a LiveJournal community for The National Puzzlers' League last night, npl. Nothing's happening there right now, but hopefully it will grow and blossom.
tahnan, I created a LiveJournal community for The National Puzzlers' League last night, npl. Nothing's happening there right now, but hopefully it will grow and blossom.Home again Home again.
Jan. 20th, 2003 04:39 pmI am at home.
There's lots of LJ, so I'll just say that you all rock. Woo.
The Hunt went long and ended this morning. My team came in second.
Everything else will be processed later.
There's lots of LJ, so I'll just say that you all rock. Woo.
The Hunt went long and ended this morning. My team came in second.
Everything else will be processed later.
Worst Xmas Ever.
Dec. 25th, 2002 10:22 pmNot really, but it suddenly feels like it.
fauxpas's journal is suddenly listed as deleted. This is bad and sad, and it makes me mad. Especially since she showed up in my dreams again last night! One would expect I'd know what her face looked like by now. Hopefully, she'll be back. Otherwise, it will be a great loss of an island of eloquence amid the sea of crapulence that is LiveJournal.
fauxpas's journal is suddenly listed as deleted. This is bad and sad, and it makes me mad. Especially since she showed up in my dreams again last night! One would expect I'd know what her face looked like by now. Hopefully, she'll be back. Otherwise, it will be a great loss of an island of eloquence amid the sea of crapulence that is LiveJournal.
